The problem with dating today is combating our assumptions around relationships. On the first, date we seek to establish a Relationship but overlook how we are relating in the present. We are either in our thoughts of future possibilities or of past Relationships. For instance, I had a disgusting realization while in my last Relationship. While interacting in a similar manner with someone else, I was transported back to that realization and turned off to the present moment. I was stuck in a feeling of disgust.
I’m still working to untangle myself from that bad relationship, but my acceptance of this fact allows me to separate “my story” from “what is.” My story was that I was I was engaged in something that disgusted me. “What is” true is that I was remembering being with someone who had no regard for me. I realized in the present “my story” wasn’t true; therefore, I was able to continue a fun evening.
I share this because many of us suffer from not being present. If I had not realized the difference between what was true and what was “my story,” I would have associated my disgust with the new person or with that particular type of interaction. When we are not present, we are not able to make full use of the present moment. We can become anxious in our assumptions of knowing what’s about to happen or what’s about to be said. We may cut people off in a conversation or respond to something they never meant to convey. This is how we create self-fulfilling prophecies. We act based on our prior experiences or fears about the future, and the consequences of those actions are the outcomes we call our lives. My last Relationship went badly because we could not be present in each other’s company anymore. By the time I became present, the truth was that it was over, and ultimately, we sought different paths.
Despite being quite devastated by my assumptions; I was able to end a bad relationship in the best way I could. It took me having to take responsibility for those assumptions and forgiving myself for the mistakes I made. The biggest piece, which is still ongoing, is not blaming the other person for my assumptions. This has allowed me to deal with my anger and sadness towards that person, and it is allowing me to enjoy my new relationships.
Now, I’m aware enough to distinguish between a Relationship with a capital R and a relationship with a lower case r. The difference between the two is important: A lower case “r” relationship is simply about how we relate to other people. The uppercase “R” Relationship is our assumption about the title. By leading with our assumptions, we may block out or miss out on someone or something in the present moment.