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Relationships vs. relationships

November 12, 2018
12 Nov 2018

The problem with dating today is combating our assumptions around relationships.  On the first, date we seek to establish a Relationship but overlook how we are relating in the present.  We are either in our thoughts of future possibilities or of past Relationships.  For instance, I had a disgusting realization while in my last Relationship.  While interacting in a similar manner with someone else, I was transported back to that realization and turned off to the present moment.  I was stuck in a feeling of disgust.

I’m still working to untangle myself from that bad relationship, but my acceptance of this fact allows me to separate “my story” from “what is.”  My story was that I was I was engaged in something that disgusted me.  “What is” true is that I was remembering being with someone who had no regard for me.  I realized in the present “my story” wasn’t true; therefore, I was able to continue a fun evening.

I share this because many of us suffer from not being present.  If I had not realized the difference between what was true and what was “my story,” I would have associated my disgust with the new person or with that particular type of interaction.  When we are not present, we are not able to make full use of the present moment.  We can become anxious in our assumptions of knowing what’s about to happen or what’s about to be said.  We may cut people off in a conversation or respond to something they never meant to convey.  This is how we create self-fulfilling prophecies.  We act based on our prior experiences or fears about the future, and the consequences of those actions are the outcomes we call our lives.  My last Relationship went badly because we could not be present in each other’s company anymore.  By the time I became present, the truth was that it was over, and ultimately, we sought different paths.

Despite being quite devastated by my assumptions; I was able to end a bad relationship in the best way I could.  It took me having to take responsibility for those assumptions and forgiving myself for the mistakes I made.  The biggest piece, which is still ongoing, is not blaming the other person for my assumptions.  This has allowed me to deal with my anger and sadness towards that person, and it is allowing me to enjoy my new relationships.

Now, I’m aware enough to distinguish between a Relationship with a capital R and a relationship with a lower case r.  The difference between the two is important:  A lower case “r” relationship is simply about how we relate to other people.  The uppercase “R” Relationship is our assumption about the title.  By leading with our assumptions, we may block out or miss out on someone or something in the present moment.

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Assholes Exist

October 19, 2018
19 Oct 2018

I often tell clients, “Assholes exist.” The hardest part of being aware, awake, or responsible for your life is accepting that fact. That person in your life was being a bitch or an asshole, but have YOU ever been one?

There are positive and negative people in the world.  It’s not right or wrong; it’s just what is.  People have the possibility of being positive or negative at any moment, and they are drawn to those who are on the same emotional level.  When we experience negative emotions, we pay greater attention to the things in the world that match who we are being.  For example, a baseball bat in the hand of a positive person may be a tool for fun and play.  Yet that same baseball bat in the hand of a negative person, may be a weapon. When we are talking with people, the same concept applies.  If I am positive when speaking with someone, I might gain a friend, a partner, a collaborator.  If I am negative, then the person I’m speaking with may become an adversary, an enemy, an opponent.

So, what’s the point of understanding that assholes exist?  The point is to learn how to avoid them.  And to avoid assholes, we must first face ourselves.  Reacting to someone from the standpoint that they should or shouldn’t be a certain way, causes us to confront or take on that person’s energy. Ultimately, we not only take on their energy, but we become even bigger assholes and a distraction to others. By avoiding assholes, we avoid their shit and let them stink alone.

Accepting that assholes exists is like accepting that traffic exists, and sometimes you need a navigation app in traffic. I teach my clients how to go around, over, or under assholes and the negativity they expel.  It’s shit navigation. Avoiding getting stuck in negativity gets easier as assholes disappear from our focus and/or from our being.

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Living the Handmaids Tale

September 13, 2018
13 Sep 2018
Huckabee Lydia

I was having a conversation with a dinner date and she asked me had I seen Handmaid’s Tale. I told her no, but I had wanted to. I had watched 2018 White House Correspondents' Dinner where Michelle Wolf eviscerated members of the Trump Administration who were right there in the room. The one joke that went over my head was the reference to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Aunt Lydia. I didn’t get the reference and had no rebuttal to my right leaning friends who attacked Michelle Wolf’s performance as disgusting, shameful and low. I believe in another’s point of view not as right or wrong but their story or collection of information. It’s simply what they know and what they believe. I’m more concerned in not being informed enough to defend something with facts. I don’t know, I’ll say I believe or most times just admit I have nothing to say. In this case I have finally watched the show and understand that Ms. Wolf’s reference to Handmaid’s Tale is a lot deeper and more Political than I knew.

The show is depicted as an Extreme Christian Conservative answer to actual problems facing us today and a crisis of birth rates dropping around the world. A successful coop by the Conservatives turns most of the US into Gilead and they abandon the Constitution in favor of a strict reading of the Bible. A major character on the show is "Aunt Lydia". She is a true believer in the cause and willing to suppress others in pursuit of what is righteous and pious. She beats, shocks and order the deaths of fertile women kidnapped and made to be mothers by the elite. So when Ms. Wolf says “I actually really like Sarah. I think she’s very resourceful. But she burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smokey eye. Like maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s lies. It’s probably lies.” This is a genius evisceration of a political figure who lies right out to the American people in favor of her cause, Donald J Trump.

The Aunt Lydia comment is the calling out of people who are complicit in going against truth, logic, reason and the Constitution of the United States. They will play up the same economy they called not the real economy when Trump was running for President all while forgetting how George Bush and the Republicans wrecked it with the same policies that only drove Wall Street numbers higher. People who put their political position or opinion ahead of the country by hating their fellow Americans who they disagree with, are dangerous to America. They’ll tout their Love of the flag yet stay silent as Trump attacks a Free Press and the 1st Amendment. Like in the show they have no love of the Principles the Nation was founded on, only their story or beliefs about what life should be.

No side is right both are needed, and we need to hear each argument to know what is best for what we need right now, not for all time. Life changes and ebb’s and flows. In times we may need to raise taxes and in times we may need to lower them. In times we may need to increase spending in one place or raise spending in another. To only steer a ship one direction may get you moving really fast to know where. It’s silly for Democrats/Left to Hate Republicans/Right and Republicans/Right to hate Democrats/Left. Yet each side plays that game until we have a small majority come in and rule us. In the 2016 election only 58% of eligible voters voted. Of that only 46.1% or 62.98 million Americans voted for Trump. Clinton got 48.2% or 65.84 million and it did not matter. Understand that only 65.84 Million Americans voted for Trump out of the approximate 220,680,000 Americans who could have voted. This means a minority has elected our officials and they are being manipulated through Right Wing Media by an even smaller minority of the 1% or elites. A coop is taking place in America but in order to stop it people simply have to become informed and vote. Hating, blaming, or condemning our fellow Americans for their story or perspective, is not the answer, it’s our downfall, it's our Gilead.

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Answers in Complaints

September 7, 2018
07 Sep 2018
Complaints

People ask me, “Why do I get what I don’t want. I’m always praying or focusing on what I do want.” I tell them it’s because you aren’t mindful of your complaints. Really, it’s not just complaints but all negative talk. Complaints are what’s easy to recognize though. It’s in anger, frustration and doubt that we may speak about what we don’t want. In our complaints we are talking about all the things we don’t want and blaming other people for what we are focusing on.  We then may call friends who will echo or confirm our complaints. If we get a friend who doesn’t agree with our complaints we complain that they don’t understand and promptly seek out a friend who will agree. Some of us keep that true-blue friend though.  That friend that will keep it 100. We may avoid that friend at times.

A client has a constant complaint about not having a more intimate girlfriend. They constantly argue about it as he always complaining to her. She promises one day she will be and he accepts it. When one day turned in to a month and a year he sought me out. I told him take a stand for what you want. Now that doesn’t mean demand intimacy for her. It means stop letting your fear of not having anyone stop you from standing for intimacy. Stop buying her things for friendship, stop letting her eat your food and use your energy for free. He tells me he likes her for more than just sex. I asked him, “Then why is waist your time complaining, because you got everything you are asking for.” He appears puzzled and asked, “Can I ask to be intimate with her?” My response was, “Haven’t you already asked her?” The argument is the distraction used to have you settle for friendship.

Now I’m not saying that he can’t have an intimate relationship with his current girl, I’m saying he’s focusing on not being intimate with her. Instead of simply looking for intimacy and not settling for friendship with her. Instead of spending time on complaining and arguing about what you don’t want how about taking time to simply stand for and simply talk about what you do want. Don’t ask her to come over out of frustration that one day you will get to be intimate. Holding on to her makes him let go of intimacy. In the argument she threatens to leave not because he wants to be intimate, but because of the arguing. HE’s arguing and complaining out of his fear of losing her. If he could let go of his fear losing her he could take a stand for intimacy. He would then be free to openly talk to those around him about his stand. It would give her the opportunity to accept what he stands for or make room for somebody who does. It’s in our complaints that we could find the answer to getting what we aren’t standing for.

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Right and Wrong

September 3, 2018
03 Sep 2018

One of our biggest problems today is thinking I am right and you are wrong. In today's social media world people don't take the time to contemplate the other person's perspective. This requires us to ask questions and consider it from the other persons shoes, instead of judging them from our own. Today many people believe someone is wrong for simply disagreeing with their own perspective. Let’s take the boycott of In-N-Out Burger, because they dared donate to the Republican Party.

 

Republican ideals have been good for the nation and so have Democrat ideals. Almost 49% of people are on one side or the other. Independents like me sit in the other 2%. This means if half the nation is always wrong our progress is greatly diminished. We are either spiraling or walking eagles. If everyone has a perspective or reason to “see things the way they do”, then we should only be trying to see which idea or perspective is best at this moment based on the information given. Which wing do we choose in this moment to give more power to based on the facts. It doesn’t mean we should invalidate either wing.

 

John McCain funeral was based on a Love of Country founded on checks and balances.  We have two political parties to balance our decision making, not allow it to become extreme. Same as  dealing with people, once we make them wrong then there is no discussion, know opportunity for explanation or understanding. John McCain gave a rebuke to the kind of politics that even saw the Democrats push through a flawed Obamacare instead of debating the merits of a Public Option or Medicare for All. We owe each person the opportunity to demonstrate their reason, if we truly seek understanding.

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