People ask me, “Why do I get what I don’t want. I’m always praying or focusing on what I do want.” I tell them it’s because you aren’t mindful of your complaints. Really, it’s not just complaints but all negative talk. Complaints are what’s easy to recognize though. It’s in anger, frustration and doubt that we may speak about what we don’t want. In our complaints we are talking about all the things we don’t want and blaming other people for what we are focusing on. We then may call friends who will echo or confirm our complaints. If we get a friend who doesn’t agree with our complaints we complain that they don’t understand and promptly seek out a friend who will agree. Some of us keep that true-blue friend though. That friend that will keep it 100. We may avoid that friend at times.
A client has a constant complaint about not having a more intimate girlfriend. They constantly argue about it as he always complaining to her. She promises one day she will be and he accepts it. When one day turned in to a month and a year he sought me out. I told him take a stand for what you want. Now that doesn’t mean demand intimacy for her. It means stop letting your fear of not having anyone stop you from standing for intimacy. Stop buying her things for friendship, stop letting her eat your food and use your energy for free. He tells me he likes her for more than just sex. I asked him, “Then why is waist your time complaining, because you got everything you are asking for.” He appears puzzled and asked, “Can I ask to be intimate with her?” My response was, “Haven’t you already asked her?” The argument is the distraction used to have you settle for friendship.
Now I’m not saying that he can’t have an intimate relationship with his current girl, I’m saying he’s focusing on not being intimate with her. Instead of simply looking for intimacy and not settling for friendship with her. Instead of spending time on complaining and arguing about what you don’t want how about taking time to simply stand for and simply talk about what you do want. Don’t ask her to come over out of frustration that one day you will get to be intimate. Holding on to her makes him let go of intimacy. In the argument she threatens to leave not because he wants to be intimate, but because of the arguing. HE’s arguing and complaining out of his fear of losing her. If he could let go of his fear losing her he could take a stand for intimacy. He would then be free to openly talk to those around him about his stand. It would give her the opportunity to accept what he stands for or make room for somebody who does. It’s in our complaints that we could find the answer to getting what we aren’t standing for.